| Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work. | |
| — William Arthur Ward |
As pretty much all of you know, I am back in Colorado now. Not living an exciting life anymore but most of you indicated that you still wanted to hear from me so I will continue, albeit, more sporadically.
I am trying to live by the quote posted above. Trying to participate more, help more, practice my belief more, I have always been kind. Hmmm, forget? I am working on that one. That one will take me quite awhile. But yes, I am definitely doing the last one. I am doing more than dreaming, I am working, in many ways.
One thing that I have been asked repeatedly is why I left Costa Rica and came back to Colorado. There are many answers to that question. Despite this being a fairly public forum, there are some things I will not open up about on here. One of them are my deeply personal issues. I will give small glimpses perhaps but I find it impossible to lay my heart out there for everyone to see. I think it is enough that you all know of the wounds my heart and soul have taken this past year. Some in the US, some in Costa Rica. I continue to work at healing and growing stronger. So let's take this quote I am trying to live, one point at a time.
Do more than belong: participate. I have absolutely been working on that strongly. Since coming back to Colorado, I have been sailing 3 times and taking dancing lessons, bachata and salsa. I am participating like I haven't been able to for many years. It feels good and it feels sad. It feels good in that I am finally being able to do things in my life that I enjoy. It is sad that I don't have anyone special to do them with. Although, if I am honest when I look back on my married life, I didn't have anyone special to do these things with then either. So I just did not do them. Now, I am not waiting around for him to find time to spend with me. And the guys I have done these things with, enjoy being with me and have fun. They don't bitch and complain. So overall, when I look realistically at my past life and my present life, I am free and happy. The key is to keep looking forward.
Do more than care: help. Doing that too. I have signed up to help on Legal Nights and submitted my resume for a volunteer TEFL program here in Denver. Legal Nights is where lawyers and paralegals volunteer their time interviewing immigrants about their problems, whether they be legal or otherwise, and help direct them to services and people who can help them. They have interpreters on hand also to help with communication. Will be a great way to help out and practice my Spanish a bit too. I had to miss the last one because I had to pay my little old (really old, 1998) car off.
As far as the volunteer TEFL teaching, I have not heard back yet. Hopefully soon.
Do more than believe: practice. I really believe in my future vision for living in Costa Rica permanently. I have plans that I have been putting into motion while back here in the US that should help me achieve that dream. I cannot actively practice on the actual plan at this time but I think by setting things in motion, my beliefs will materialize. I am so excited for this aspect of my future.
Do more than be fair: be kind. While I continue to do this pretty much constantly, I have fallen a few times. I have lost control of my anger a couple times and did things that were not so kind. I have only deliberately tried to hurt someone one time and that is because he was being dishonest with his company. I rationalized that what I did was the right thing to do, which is probably was, but that is not the reason I did it. I did it to try to hurt him. Other than that though, I truly am a kind person and even when people strike out at me, rarely strike back. I will keep working on this one though anyway. :)
Do more than forgive: forget. Ok, this one is a tough one for me. I can't say that I have even totally forgiven, let alone get to the forget part. And is forgetting good? Maybe in some instances. It eases the pain when I push the memories away. I would love to forget most of the time. What I am remembering though is the good times. For some reason I tend to romanticize the marriage and ONLY remember the good times. That is just crazy because there were plenty of bad times. I need to work on forgiving myself too for letting him down, or not knowing how to make him happy or whatever else I screwed up. That is probably the hardest of all to do. So once again, should I work on forgetting? I think the healthiest way to deal with it right now for me is to forget it all, good and bad.
Do more than dream: work. This one kind of goes back to do more than believe: practice. So, finally I get to the point! The main reason I came back to Colorado was to work. I cannot legally "work" in Costa Rica, the pay is low, I don't speak much Spanish. All of these countered the idea of making any real money for my future plans so I came back to Colorado to work as a paralegal for an undetermined time. I needed money to pay off legal bills, to buy a car in Costa Rica, to pay to ship my stuff to Costa Rica, to save to invest in a business in Costa Rica. So even though I don't hate being back here, I don't love it either. I would much rather be in CR (and no for my Washington state and Colorado friends, does not stand for Castle Rock).
God has been wonderful to me though and placed me in an awesome law firm. The focus on employment law and helping workers who have been discriminated against in their employment. A little bit of criminal defense too. It feels great to be on the little guys side for a change and feeling like the work I do makes a difference in a person's life, not just that I am protecting the big company and helping them keep their bottom line in tact. I am the office manager/paralegal here and it is great. I couldn't have asked for a better firm to work for and nicer lawyers. Yes, there really are nice and caring lawyers in the world. :)
I am here in Colorado for now, working again as a paralegal. And that is ok. Some dreams happen fast and easy and some you have to work for to earn. So I am working for my dream. But I do have a dream! And I will make it come true!
So that's all for me right now. Should probably catch you up on my dating life in the next blog. :)
